Technobabble: We Haz It!

If you have ever watched a science fiction based television show or movie, you've heard technobabble. Here now, a few new bits...

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Psychotronic Transmutator Helmet

The Psychotronic Transmutator Helmet looks very much like an old fashioned top hat that has been festooned with dials, wires, small radar dishes and a few blinking lights. When worn by somebody who has been trained in how to use it, it can be used to turn ordinary materials into gold. Unfortunately, it also tends to cause madness and/or stinky feet for the user. In a few extreme cases, the damned thing just cooks the user's head. The best plan for using this device is to carefully set all of the parameters, adjust the controls with great care, position the substance to be transmuted exactly 4.75 feet from the device, then get some clueless boob to wear it for you.

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Quantum Vibratory Tachyon Stimulator

Naturally, you would want to use this handy device whenever your tachyons are being a bit sluggish, or perhaps as an extra little reward when they do a really good job. Interestingly, Quantum Vibratory Stimulation is very popular among female tachyons.

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Psionic Temporal Rift Adjuster

As demonstrated by Professor Ferbingerber at the Dundalk Institute of Technology and Barber College, you can indeed open, close and adjust temporal rifts using psionic energy as generated in the brain of the average teenager by using his device. Rifts can also be enlarged to as much as 20' across or moved as far as 105' in any direction. The device is fairly compact, weighs less than 20 pounds and runs on four D cell batteries and a bit of motor oil.

Indeed, the only drawback to using this device seems to be finding an average teenager who gives a rat's ass about advancing the study of temporal physics.

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Oscillating NeuroBlaster With Optional Q Ray Generator

Anybody who is even thinking of hunting kaiju monsters should seriously consider buying one of these weapons. Even without the Q Ray Generator, it is fully capable of paralyzing a Gojira level kaiju at a range of just under a mile. If capture is not in the cards, the Q Ray Generator will fire at a rate of 88 shots per second, with each shot blasting a 4 inch hole clear through the target.

One word of warning: Be 100% sure that your battery pack is fully charged! Anything less than a 90% charge will just piss the kaiju off.

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Nanotech Genetic Mutation Transverter

We aren't 100% sure what this thing actually does, but we strongly suspect it has something to do with either superpowers, halfbreed alien babies or super intelligent apes. Hell, come to think of it, it probably has something to do with all of those things and maybe cattle mutilations, the devil and disco music. Best stay away from one of these, if you find one.

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Microflanged Warpdrive Inducement Coupling

Face it dude, without this, your warpdrive isn't worth a damn. I mean, there you are, getting ready to outrun some alien mofo and you've got no love from hyperspace because your shit is totally uncoupled. You are owned, my brother, and those aliens will be talking shit about you for days! So get yourself the proper coupling and show those alien bitches how we do it Earthside!

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Chronophasic Interdimensional Teleporting Switch

Let's say you want to visit all of these alternate Earths I've been writing about. You build your Interdimensional traveling device and off you go! But wait...once you get to the first world, you find out that your master power switch either did not teleport with you or it did, but it arrived at the wrong local time. Since the latter might mean waiting years for it to arrive and the former would mean you are seriously screwed, you had better get down to the local electronics shop and buy a Chronophasic Interdimensional Teleporting Switch. Shouldn't cost more than $30.00 and it is money well spent.

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Biomechanical Clone Replicating Booth

Ok, maybe you're old school and replicate your clones by hand using an old fashioned tank full of chemicals. More power to you, but the rest of us will be using these spiffy booths to crank out our world dominating clone armies. They're simple to use: you just pop in the first clone, then set the number of replicants you want, then push the big blue button. Easy peasy! Just remember to feed the booth a nice bucket of food every day (we highly recommend New England style clam chowder or a mess of gumbo) and you'll soon be commanding your army to victory.